OMG!!! As much as I love to feel my emotions running through my veins, its not helpful, especially when I really need to think. Right now, I think I feel depression and fear, but mixed with love no actually a load shit of lust. Looking back at this whole semester,I must say that I have really have gone down hill mentally and emotionally. I have lost 15kg from all this stress. Being told that I can't go for my summer semester and having a bastard irritating selfish prick running about has really affected my energy and determination to complete my 2012 to do list. TT__TT I hate this shit. Anyways, for my current emotional state, I am angry and yet happy with my decision......, which is driving me insane because how can I feel fear and love at once. I must be insane. To explain the situation, here it is: Next week I have 5 exams. One after the other. I am very scared for my future because honestly, all my marks are boarder line to failure. So pretty much my situation is barely pass or fail my program. See the fucking fear and anxiety there? Today I have my "last" clinical placement for 7 hours. I don't find it beneficial to swipe people's ass when I can be either sleeping (because of the potential all nighters) or studying books (combined equal to one bookshelf). SO I decided to not attend, but I forgot to call the teacher, one of my classmate said something probably and one of them decided to text me about the situation...... I still stand confident with my decision and honestly emailed my teacher about the situation. I don't know what would become of my future right now. Either my instructor is angry for not calling or my patient has died. Either way they both suck and would cost my future.... I am confused, which is really affecting my ability to think or memorize shit. I can't even fucking do my practice quizzes. I keeping fucking getting Ds ........................... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
As for the lust, I decided to watch queer as folk to reduce my anger and confusion.... it's not helping. I just keep thinking of why can't I find my Brian Kinney? Where is he? Why are all the best people I want to fuck or love either married, gay or already taken!!!!!!!! (smashing keys while typing) .....
I thought that typing my emotions would help organize my emotions, which is NOT working AT ALL. Maybe I should call someone and drown them with my uncontrolled emotions. Yumo? Charina?.... Oh wait! Chin-Hee!!! Okay! G2G. *speed

Lately, I feel like I am in the borderline between bipolar and obsessive. Thank god, I am slowly able to actually write, type really, in the same speed as my thoughts are going. I feel that I don't express my feelings in some form I will pull my hair out and people will think I am a crazy bald little lady. I am not sure if it's partly my fault, but I was suppose to hang with Yumo on Tuesday since she was "free". Unfortunately, I was not since I planned to attend class that evening. though that miserably failed. Ever since Yumo "initiated" the conversation with Hazzel, I feel quite depressed really. It feels like Yumo had a secret affair. She didn't even mentioned that she now texts Agatha until the conversation about it came about. TT___TT Does this how it feels to have your partner cheat on you or am I being a possessive friend? I think it`s the later. I really don`t wish to restrict Yumo to being just my friend since she is very outgoing, completely different from me. However, I really don`t like the feeling of loneliness. Immediately after Anime North of my graduating year, I felt the feeling. I felt that during prom. I felt naive to the fact that everyone actually had thoughts and feelings of hate towards me while I thought I was in bliss. Right now, I think that may happen again. I'm not sure if I hand it again if it happens. Hazzel and Yumo are the two people who I have told whole live story, especially the secret parts in my life that I didn`t have the courage to admit to my own family. Having both of them tore my heart once was scarring. That year of depressing was torture. I drank until I fell asleep in tears. Music did not gave me relief. It further drove me insane that I had to lock myself in my room. I lost sense of inspiration, motivation towards the future, respect for others and self-worth. Forgiving Yumo and inviting her into my life after I reconstructed myself was hard enough. Having her leave again ... I don`t know what I would do. There are extremely few friends in my life. Once they leave, I never go back to them. That`s my lifestyle. Some of them are not worth it: the drama, the memories, the trouble, its too much work. They left me for a reason. It may be right or a misunderstanding. It`s not my job to get them back and convince them to be my friends. It`s not their to explain. Regarding the current situation, I have no idea how to deal with it. With Yumo being friends with them, I have no choice to be kind towards them. I really have no idea how long I would last. Would I be able to deal 3 days of AN and sleep in the same room with them? Can I forgive Hazzel for leaving me after I poured my heart out to her before? Ever since she left, I felt that she has revealed everything that I told her towards Agatha. This is probably the main reason why I can't really be friends. During our times as friends, I noticed her reaction and behaviour. I knew every expression. She is more naive than me. I have a feeling that during those times away from me, she probably used her hate towards me as a way to connect with Agatha. I am guilty to of the act with Yumo, but I have told her almost everything about me. That's not fair game. With Agatha, I foolish followed Yumo's lead of hating her. Then I had my own personal reason afterwards thinking (and eventually correctly) that she would steal my bf. .... TT___TT I am so exhausted of this drama.

My only concerns overall I guess....
- Am I going to lose another friend because I can't accept her new friends?
- Am I going to simply go with the flow in this situation?
- Can I forgive Hazzel for rejecting me, talking about me and leaving me?
- Can I forgive Agatha for successfully convincing others that she was innocent and "didn't plan to steal my high school bf"?
- Do I need a psychiatrist?

.... I feel sorry for my future lover. I bet I'm going to be a possessive lover who would be like "I saw you with ___. Who are they? Why were they all over you? Are you cheating on me? Tell me the truth. LIAR!!! I know you are cheating on me. GET BACK HERE! I'm not done talking." TT_____TT

Another year comes. Another year goes.
Last year was started with a year of disappointment, but after a few encouragements, I was able to pick myself and further continued my studies. After experiencing what was probably "my lowest point of my life", this year has been a blessing. Let's review this wonderful year....

- TV shows
With half a year of nothing to do (actually it was more like the whole year), it helped me waste my time and indulge in my fangirl fantasy. Originally, I thought I would enjoy with spending time watching Asian dramas, but there was nothing great at the time. Thankfully, with tumblr, beautiful gifs of David Tennant caught my attention and sparked my curiosity. After watching one episode and randomly picking ones that seem interesting, I eventually finished watching all the episodes of the new Doctor Who. My attraction increased when series 6 was premiering in America. I started watching Merlin after Merlin exposure from tumblr. Also for BBC's Sherlock. I will write my opinions about the TV programs in another blog. Overall, by watching these shows, I have grown to love and respect another culture and it's another country placed in my "countries I must visit before I die" list. My desire to have little blue-eyed children and a boyfriend with a British accent has increase tenfold. I started to find long chins and ear intriguing. Clumsy, dark humour and weird last names like Cumberbatch are awesome traits for a boyfriend. My past addiction of magic, fantasy and action has returned. The Doctor, Merlin and Sherlock are now considered part of my list of favourite fictional characters that I fantasize about!!! I WANT A TARDIS!!
- Movies
Never in my life have I visited the theatres and watch many movies within a year than this year. Thanks to yumo, I never had to pay for any of them. I desperately want to work at Cineplex (if my readings and assignments haven't consume my life and energy). OMG let's list them all:
(1) Green Hornet. (2) I am Number Four. (3) Limitless. (4) Sucker Punch. (5) Arthur (though it was with my sis). (6) Fast and Furious 5. (7) Bridesmaid. (8) Pirates of the Caribbean 4. (9) Hangover2. (10) X-Men First Class. (11) Super 8. (12) Green Lantern. (13) Horrible Bosses. (14) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (watched it in AMEX and first show!!). (15) Friends with Benefits. (16) Crazy Stupid Love. (17) The Change-up. (18) The Help. (19) 30 Minutes or Less. (20) Colombiana. (21) Contagion. (22) Abduction. (23) Real Steel. (24) Footloose. (25) Three Musketeers. (26) Breaking Dawn. (27) Mission Impossible 4. (28) Sherlock Holmes 2. (29) Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. (30) Tintin. (31) Darkest Hour.
30 MOVIES!!!
- Conventions
Although I didn't get to go to many conventions, I enjoyed them very much. This year's Anime North was better than last year. I got to enjoy it with yumo and my brother. I thought it would have been bad since it would be very likely that we would "bump into" Hazzel and Agatha (b/c she knows what I would attend from 2 years prior attendance knowledge....TT__TT), which did happen. I got to hang with Stephen and Vivian too. Atomic Lollipop was enjoyable as well. Even though it was their first convention, it was well planned. Loved the crafts, breakfast, and YAOI!!! It needs a better dealers room and artist alley. I also got an opportunity to sleep in the hotel for a day which was awesome!
- School
After failing Hap in my first semester, I was quite happy that I was given another chance to redeem myself and be able actually graduate the same time as I originally planned. Knowing that the this year and this coming year I would have no actual "break", I decided to take this blessing and work harder. Music nearly killed me. Also the maternity and older adult course too. I learned the importance of (1) remembering deadlines for online quizzes, (2) difficulty of handwriting notes of entire textbooks, (3) printing out powerpoints and comparing with lecture notes and textbooks, (4) importance of note organization and colour coding. So far I am happy with my marks and hope to keep it up for this year.
- Work
I QUIT MY FIRST JOB AND PROUD OF IT!! As much as I appreciate the opportunity, I hated the idea to pleasing rich people with rude manners. Other than that, I enjoyed working with the wonderful employees and managers. I miss the macaroons, delicious salads with bacon bits, poppyseed bagels and cherries with my 10% discount. I would have considered staying for another year if my marks were getting bad. I am also thankful for the raise that I was unaware of receiving because of my behaviour. ^___^
- Social Life
After a year of locking myself in my room, this year has really been a year of so much social interaction that I had a boyfriend. Unfortunately, that relationship lasted for 2 weeks, which is better than nothing. I began talkiing to guys normally and befriending them just like as elementary school. Three guys even liked me and two of them even confessed! 0___0 Other than yumo, I also have other nursing friends. Even though I have socialized, my spare time is consumed my youtubing, tumblring, fangirling and yaoi!!

2012 New Years Resolutions/Goals
1. Although getting into York is a goal, I think getting at least Bs in all my subjects at Seneca would be a good goal. I really want to get a scholarship or bursary since I no longer work and it would motivate me to further challenge me to do better.
2. Take Japanese 101 Lesson class on September for Saturday school. I dream of going to Japan, whether to move there or visit. I want to make it a reality and thought by taking this step it will eventually will happen.
3. Join a club or sport at school. I'm out of shape socially and physically.
4. Do better in essay writing, especially APA writing. My marks will no longer plummet because of that *#@% essay!!
5. Ask help from teachers. They are paid for a reason.
6. Make more friends!!!! TT__TT I'm so lonely.
7. Save money (for AN) HOTEL ROOM PARTY!
8. Don't skip classes and labs!